“… like this!”

by lestro

(photo via NY Times)

Nancy Pelosi vows that with her new majority in the House, she will crush the balls of the remaining Republicans with her bare fists.

Because it would be sexist to not ask…

by lestro

Treat her like any other candidate, right?

Ever since Clinton was asked on that MTV thing back in 1992, every candidate has had to answer the question “boxers or briefs?” and John Kerry recently joked that McCain’s answer was “Depends…”

So in the spirit of not being sexist, when do we get an answer from Sarah Palin about her undergarment preference? Thong or boy shorts? Granny Panties or T-back? Cotton or commando?

Inquiring minds want to know…

… especially what kind of underwear one gets on a $150,000 shopping spree.

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McCain vs. Paris Hilton

by twit

it had to happen

but did it really, really have to happen?

Paris Hilton has thrown her hat into the US presidential race, declaring her desire to campaign against “that wrinkly white-haired guy” and threatening to paint the White House pink if elected.The blond socialite responded to Republican candidate John McCain’s controversial use of her image in a campaign television spot last week with a satirical ad of her own posted on the website Funnyordie.com on Tuesday.

In the ad, the 27-year-old appears reclining on a sun lounger beside a swimming pool, dressed only in a skimpy leopard-print bathing costume.

Jesse Helms “shocked” to arrive in Hell

by lestro

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b4/Devil-goat.jpg/465px-Devil-goat.jpg

LAKE OF FIRE, HELL – Former United States Senator Jesse Helms seemed surprised to wake up in Hell this morning, exclaiming “but I’m white!” as minions of Beelzebub poked and prodded the conservative Southern senator.

The tormenting of his soul is reportedly due to the multitude of hateful laws he supported, as well as the hypocrisies within his own religious beliefs for which Helms was famously known.

Helms’s shock is reported to have worn off quickly after he was reunited with fellow Southern racist Strom Thurmond.

According to Satan, the arrival of Helms has been expected, as he traded his soul for his Senate seat decades ago.

“Do you really think a jackass bigot like Jesse could have been elected that many times without the help of the forces of darkness?” the devil quipped. “Cracka, please.”

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First they came for the rappers…

by loadz

At first, it was hip hop, but it all finally makes sense, now that we know it is heavy metal hair, Jewish-American conspiracies and 2-Pac that cause homosexuality in Iranian youth.

via the Middle East Media Research Institute TV Monitor Project

I’m glad someone finally connected all this together.

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If you discovered a whole mess of Japanese pot in your suitcase…we want it back…unsmoked.

by loadz

What’s worse than breaking the law to slip 142 grams of pot into some poor sucker’s suitcase?

Not being able to find it.

A customs officer hid a package of the banned substance in a side pocket of a randomly chosen suitcase in order to test airport security.

Sniffer dogs failed to detect the cannabis and the officer could not remember which suitcase had the stash.

Whoops. Hey listen, we’re really, really sorry about the 142 grams of pot we slipped into your suitcase next to your unmentionables, but if we could have that back we’d surely appreciate it.

One hundred forty-two grams? That’s five ounces. And their dog couldn’t find that?

Apparently now is the time to start smuggling your dope into Tokyo.

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Spread the Word

by The Kiwi

Collect and trade amongst your friends!

Hail Kiwi.

Hey, did I mention that I slept with Chelsea Clinton?

by lestro

Yup, we got together, did a bunch of blow and then fucked like wild animals for an entire weekend, before her girlfriend came home and threw me out. I haven’t really heard from her since the abortion, but I get a text message every now and again.

Hey, it could be true, right?

and that is all that matters to me and Chelsea:

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Absolut Vodka Goggles

by lestro

How is it that the nation ranked ninth in the world in academics and first in most affordable education didn’t see that this ad might cause a problem or two?

absolut_vodka_ad

In this image released by the Mexican advertising firm of Teran/TBWA on Monday April 7, 2008, an advertisement created for Swedish Absolut Vodka which ran in Mexico, shows a map of the border of Mexico and the United States where it stood before the Mexican-American War of 1848. The Absolut vodka company apologized for the ad campaign amid angry calls for a boycott by U.S. consumers.

(AP Photo/Teran/TBWA)

Needless to say, the right wingers went absolutely batshit, going so far as to create their own response:

The National Illegal Immigration Boycott Coalition (NIIBC) is known nationally for prior sustained boycotts against Miller Brewing and Bank of America for their support for illegal aliens in the US.

The NIIBC has launched a new website at www.boycottabsolut.com to inform American consumers and provide resources for citizens to engage in the boycott.

“Absolut vodka is trying to sell liquor to Mexicans that aspire to control the Southwest United States,” says William Gheen of ALIPAC.

“The warning signs are everywhere. Illegal immigration is creating a rising threat to our existing border lines and the very existence of the United States. The separatist sentiments and animus towards America are prevalent in the Mexican population and the ranks of illegal aliens inside the US creating a clear and present danger to our nation. Everywhere we look, Global corporations have a hand in this brewing disaster and Absolut just made the list.”

I love that the fence extends out into the ocean on both sides…

The company has obviously apologized and offered to send back the bikini team as a distraction.

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