Hail Kiwi

re you tired of waiting around for the return of your messiah?

Too many rules and commandments got you down?

Frustrated trying to match your magic underwear to your Reebok cross-trainers?

Now you don’t have to, thanks to the Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi!

For just the low, low one-time price of $50, the Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi will insure your place in the afterlife of your choice!

See, death is all paperwork. It’s a lot of filing, background checks and forms, all filled out in triplicate to make sure your soul gets the treatment it expects and deserves.

And we’ve got them all!

Catholic heaven? Yep!
Lutheran heaven? You betcha!
Mormon? Episcopalian? Snake handler? Yes! Yes! And Yes!
Jews? Absolutely.
Satanist? New condos available with lake-of-fire views!
Spaceship behind a comet? Window seat or aisle?

These plus thousands of others! All yours for the low, low, guaranteed money-back price of $50.

That’s right I said MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE!

If you are not completely satisfied with what we do with your soul after you are dead, we will refund your money with NO QUESTIONS ASKED!

Plus – once you have your receipt, what you do with your earthly vessel is your business!

 That’s right, all this, plus insightful and humorous ahead-of-the-curve commentary on news, politics and life is waiting for you at the Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi!

This week’s special: Reincarnation, two for the price of one!

The Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi.
We know people who know people so you don’t have to.

26 Responses to Hail Kiwi

  1. Pingback: Spread the Word « The Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi

  2. Pingback: Tom Cruise should just pony up $50 to the Kiwi « The Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi

  3. Dave says:

    I am just wondering – do you have any idea what a Kiwi actually is?
    I was just curious to know.

    Indications are that you don’t know what a Kiwi is. Not that facts ever got in the way of anybody else’s religion.

  4. It is all the same to the Kiwi…

  5. deaconloadz says:

    It is folly to try and wrap your mind around the which is the Kiwi. Just pay yer $50 bucks. We’ll handle the rest.

  6. leapsecond says:

    What if I’m already a kiwi? Do I have to pay 50 bucks to be reincarnated as a pineapple?

  7. apocalyptickiwi says:

    Well, you don’t have to send $50, but why not be sure?

  8. Sister Sarah says:

    I wanna join! Will I get a kiwi prayer cloth or holy kiwi water?

  9. if the afterlife of your choice requires a kiwi prayer cloth or kiwi holy water, it is the money-back guarantee of the Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi that these items will await you there.

  10. L. Maik says:

    OH WOW! Until now, I was sure religion was for suckers… now, all I can say is:
    And besides, there was an “underground” (as in Non-Official) U2 Album called KIWI. That should have been the first sign!
    You can count on my $50 bucks! (Say, is that a monthly fee?)

  11. Thank you very much for your comment and question. This page is now updated to make clear that there is No monthly fee! The $50 is a one-time payment, money-back guarantee!

    Hail Kiwi!

  12. Pat says:

    But, what if I’m allergic to kiwi? Is there substitution on the menu, or will the hives and rash just not accompany me to the afterlife?

    I’m linking to this blog!

  13. Pat,

    If the afterlife of your choice requires that there be no kiwis, it is the money-back guarantee of the Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi that no kiwis will await you.

    Or! You can have no allergies and a forest of kiwi trees. The Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi offers you the afterlife of your choice, satisfaction guaranteed!

  14. Kiwi_monster says:

    me like Kiwi. Kiwi all soft and fuzzy. Kiwi GREEN inside. Kiwi great!

  15. Kiwi_monster says:

    Oh! me forget!

    Yum um mum um um!


  16. Do you welcome those who come from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

  17. Pastafarians are most certainly welcome! Long live the Flying Spaghetti Monster!

  18. Pingback: The Kiwi wishes to apply « The Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi

  19. Pingback: One free ticket to hell « The Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi

  20. follower2 says:

    The Kiwi has 2 more followers, prepared to be faithful and to spread the word about this revolutionary church. To whom do we send the $50?

  21. apocalyptickiwi says:

    All will be revealed in time.

    Thank you for your help spreading the word.

    Hail Kiwi.

  22. Pingback: “Hail Kiwi” « Follower2’s Blog

  23. kiwi says:

    I thought kiwi-ness is a non-apocalyptic state of being… I am kiwi. Will I lose my kiwi-ness in the afterlife?

  24. Pingback: children left behind: agog edition « The Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi

  25. A Lost Sole says:

    The vitamin-C-enriched truthiness of the KIWI has set me free, and my rickets is coming along nicely too, thanks for asking.

    Of course I’m going to join. Right now I’ve started a prayer vigil, entreating the Fuzzy One to transmit to you this pile of (mostly) nickels to you His Earthly Servants.

    Email me when you get’em. KTHXBYE.

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