Jesse Helms “shocked” to arrive in Hell
July 4, 2008 4 Comments
LAKE OF FIRE, HELL – Former United States Senator Jesse Helms seemed surprised to wake up in Hell this morning, exclaiming “but I’m white!” as minions of Beelzebub poked and prodded the conservative Southern senator.
The tormenting of his soul is reportedly due to the multitude of hateful laws he supported, as well as the hypocrisies within his own religious beliefs for which Helms was famously known.
Helms’s shock is reported to have worn off quickly after he was reunited with fellow Southern racist Strom Thurmond.
According to Satan, the arrival of Helms has been expected, as he traded his soul for his Senate seat decades ago.
“Do you really think a jackass bigot like Jesse could have been elected that many times without the help of the forces of darkness?” the devil quipped. “Cracka, please.”
Helms is known for his opposition to civil rights, art, Martin Luther King, gay rights, the UN and AIDS funding, as well as his support for Salvadoran Death Squad leader Roberto D’Aubuisson and Chilean dictator and international war criminal Augusto Pinochet.
Helms was also known for his singing voice, having told colleague Orrin Hatch that “I’m going to sing Dixie until she cries,” referring to Senator Carol Mosley Braun and his later serenade of her in an elevator with the tune “Dixie,” a song glorifying the old days of slavery.
Helms could not be reached for comment as he was too busy sucking Satan’s cock as a thank you for his 52 years in politics.