How the world is here and other morning cartoons

by twit

Neither have you tasted my Jesus:

via the daily what:

Girl uploads pro-creationist rant to YouTube. Guy finds her rant and superimposes explodingdog-like drawings to illustrate her talking points.

The zombie GOP

by twit

comes out to play at CPAC:

“We’re alive,” Rep. Michele Bachmann (MN), who emceed the evening session, said. “We’re not going anywhere. Remember this is ground zero for the conservative movement.”

RNC Chairman Michael Steele competes with Bachmann to see who can make the most cringe-worthy statements:

“Tonight, we tell America: we know the past, we know we did wrong. My bad. But we go forward in appreciation of the values that brought us to this point.”

according to CNN, Rep. Michelle Bachmann (yes, that Michelle Bachmann) wins:

As he concluded his remarks, Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann — the event’s moderator — told Steele he was “da man.”

“Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man,” she said.

although an alleged “you be da man” video is inconclusive at best…

So perhaps Steele wins this round, considering the video shows him ending his speech with “Let’s get busy…  Let’s get out there and fight for those things that we believe in,” which considering the retch-inducing manner that Steele recently invoked a hip-hop costume for the ‘new GOP,’ it is quite the cringe-worthy double entendre to make…

but that was at the end of the day!

No President Left Behind

by lestro

The former president has some time on his hands these days, so he dropped by a local elementary school’s open house:

Ducking in one room, Bush asked, “Hey, kids, do you know who I am?”

Gasps all around, then someone blurted, “George Washington!”

“That’s right!” the visitor said. “George Washington Bush!”

Well, the middle initial was the same, anyway.

In a dual-language class, Bush tried to introduce himself in Spanish. But it came off a little too twangy. He tried again. Blank looks. Even held up three fingers. You know, a “W.” Still nothing.

Finally, Pershing’s energetic principal, Margie Hernandez, stepped in with a proper Spanish introduction.

Ohhhhhhh.

The kids laughed. The former president laughed. The principal laughed, out of relief, mostly.

… relief that this guy no longer has his finger on the button or at the helm of the education system.

morning cartoons of insanity

by twit

“The Crisis of Credit Visualized”

via mefi

Still waiting for their thumbs

by lestro

I no longer wonder why the rest of the world laughs at us or why we cant seem to make any headway in science and math when compared with the rest of the world.  From Gallup today:

It has been a testable theory for 150 years and not a single experiment has ever contradicted the basic principles of Darwin’s theory, despite him predating DNA and genetics, which has only gone on to confirm Darwin’s theory.

I know this because I watched Nova last night, which was all about the Dover School Board trial in which a federal judge (appointed by president Bush) ruled that “intelligent design” was NOT science and had absolutely no right in a school, especially a science class.

During the case, they proved that the not only is intelligent design not science, it is literally re-packaged creationism. They did this through researching the popular ID text book “Of Pandas and People” and found old drafts in which the authors literally replaced the word “creationism” with “intelligent design” in their definition following a court case saying creationism can’t be taught in schools.

It was a fascinating episode. You can watch the whole thing here. It is two hours, but it really, really lays out the case for not only what constitutes science, but why Darwin’s theories not only hold up but are stronger now than when he proposed them.  It also details how creationists tried to manipulate the national argument (and on this, some might say, they appear to be winning).

Why are we fatter and stupider than ever?

by lestro

It really all starts to make sense now.

Almost half of tested samples of commercial high-fructose corn syrup (HFCS) contained mercury, which was also found in nearly a third of 55 popular brand-name food and beverage products where HFCS is the first- or second-highest labeled ingredient, according to two new U.S. studies.

HFCS has replaced sugar as the sweetener in many beverages and foods such as breads, cereals, breakfast bars, lunch meats, yogurts, soups and condiments. On average, Americans consume about 12 teaspoons per day of HFCS, but teens and other high consumers can take in 80 percent more HFCS than average.

“Mercury is toxic in all its forms. Given how much high-fructose corn syrup is consumed by children, it could be a significant additional source of mercury never before considered. We are calling for immediate changes by industry and the [U.S. Food and Drug Administration] to help stop this avoidable mercury contamination of the food supply,” said the Institute for Agriculture and Trade Policy’s Dr. David Wallinga, a co-author of both studies.

For the past couple of decades we have been stuffing ourselves with a sugar supplement that we put in everything and not only does it contain no nutrition, now it turns out it contains mercury.

Mercury!

Am I missing the joke?

by lestro

I mean, this is funny and all, but I don’t get it:

“As a black, Roman Catholic conservative from Washington D.C. and Maryland, I know how to lose elections,” said Michael S. Steele today in Virginia. His audience, a gathering of House Republicans, knows all too well, too. But now, he said, as the new chairman of the Republican National Committee, “I’m in the business of winning elections.”

He somehow thinks that joining the RNC as its leader puts him in the business of winning elections? Haven’t they gotten HOUSED in the past couple of major election cycles? Like, beaten so badly people are wondering if the Republicans can come back?

How is that the business of winning elections?

Then again, swinging bullshit like this, maybe Steele is in the right place:

“Now my mom was a sharecropper’s daughter, with a fifth grade education,” he said. Referring to Democrats, he went on, “If my mom knew how to balance the budget, I’m sure the rest of the folks out here on the other side should know how to do that as well.”

Because any idiot can tell you the last president to balance a budget was Clinton and that the two largest periods EVER in debt growth and deficit spending occurred during the reign of George W. Bush and his hero, Ronnie Reagan, who also left the country floundering toward a recession thanks to spending money like drunken monkeys and cutting revenues at the same time.

children left behind: agog edition

by twit

An emotional John Rempel, 22, of Leamington held his hands to his face as he described Tuesday how he lost $150,000 when he got caught up in a Nigerian Internet scam. Photograph by: Nick Brancaccio, The Windsor Star

So many people were involved in this, it is jaw-droppping…

A Leamington man has fallen prey to international scam artists who strung him along for more than a year with the promise of millions in cash, but ultimately bilked him and his family of $150,000.

… His troubles began in July 2007. He said he got an e-mail from someone claiming to be a lawyer with a client named David Rempel who died in a 2005 bomb attack in London, England, and left behind $12.8 million.

… The lawyer said his client had no family but wanted to leave the money to a Rempel. It was his lucky day.

of course!  the guy had a will that directed an attorney to randomly send emails to people with the same last name, and reward the first responder with the money!  those crazy rich people and the things they do…

No, you cannot grope Hillary Clinton

by twit

even if she is a cardboard cut-out…

Incoming Obama administration director of speechwriting Jon Favreau (L) and a friend pose with a cardboard cutout of incoming Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton at a party.

(Obtained by The Washington Post)

The fundamentalist difference

by lestro

What a lot of creationists don’t understand is that evolution is not a world view, but is instead simply an explanation, and one that changes when new evidence is discovered.

Unlike the world of creationists, in which an ideological world view is laid out and everything must conform to it.

For example, according to creationist reasoning, there is no special section in the Bible talking about dinosaurs, therefore dinosaurs and man must have existed at the same time, damn the fossil record, carbon dating and whatever other evidence that science might offer. Nevermind the obvious, that if they existed at the same time, you’d think it would be mentioned in the fucking Bible, as Bill Hicks said.

In a recent NYT article, this difference is again made clear as recent experiments have completely blown away a long-standing theory of what the beginnings of the planet looked like, forcing scientists to adapt their views based on the new evidence.

You’ll never see a fundie do that.

Analyses of crystals in rocks in Australia, left, have formed a new picture of the early Earth, depicted with young oceans in the painting at right. (Left, Bruce Watson; right, Don Dixon)

Kid delivers LSD-laced cookies to cops. Actually, nevermind, the cops were just trippin’

by twit

When I first saw the article about the teenager accused of going to several police stations in Texas and delivering batches of cookies that smelled like pot but were actually laced with LSD, I figured it was another illustration for the “children left behind” files, the part of the chronicle where representatives from the upcoming generation are doing things that sound completely insane yet also so jaw-droppingly stupid.

But now it turns out that the allegations were actually the product of overactive imaginations of law enforcement officials (and their preliminary drug tests), and the charges have been dropped.  What we actually have here is an episode of the “romper room,”  featuring children of all ages left far, far behind:

On July 8, 2008, the Associated Press first reported:

FORT WORTH, Texas (AP) — A teenager is suspected of delivering baskets of drug-laced treats to about a dozen police departments in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, according to police who charged him Tuesday with LSD possession. At least three officers have gotten sick.

The 18-year-old man was arrested after taking cookies to the Lake Worth police station, said Brett McGuire, the suburb’s police chief. Officers there had been tipped off that someone was falsely claiming to deliver treats on behalf of Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

“Our officers took a good whiff and thought they smelled like marijuana,” McGuire said, adding that preliminary tests instead detected traces of LSD.

Christian Phillips was taken into custody and later charged with possession of the powerful hallucinogen, although the charge may be changed, McGuire said.

The suspect denied trying to contaminate the goodies or harm anyone and said one of his friends might have been smoking pot while Phillips was baking, McGuire said.

The suspect is not affiliated with MADD, the chief said.

which is what I had cut and pasted after I first read the story. Much of this clip has been scrubbed from the link where the article first appeared.

but then! On July 10, 2008, CBS in Dallas/Ft. Worth reports:

The Great Sonics Swindle of 2008

by lestro

Many thoughts on the Great Sonics Swindle of 2008.

Not being a Sonics fan, I do not have a stake in the team, but I see in the Sonics saga the potential fate of any professional sports team city that has the audacity to stand up and tell billionaires that they are going to have support their own investments.

What happened is this: Former owner and Starbucks magnate Howard Schultz sold the team after failing to get a many hundred million dollar handout form the city and state to renovate the arena they use and reap the profits from. After Schultz realized the people, still sore over the extortion the Seahawks and Mariners laid on them to get Qwest and Safeco Fields, respectively, weren’t gonna pony up for a new stadium, he bailed, selling the team to the group led by Clay Bennett, of Oklahoma City.

Oklahoma City picked up a basketball jones after Hurricane Katrina forced the Hornets to relocate to the capital of Flyover Country while their city was pumped out and rebuilding began. Since there is nothing to do in Oklahoma City, the arrival of the NBA was HUGE and the people came out to support the team.

Once the Hornets went back to New Orleans – because the value of a sports team to a city cannot be measured in dollars alone – Oklahoma City got itchy. Sensing opportunity as well as the realization that yes, a sports team has a value that can;t be measured in dollars alone, Bennett turned his sights on the Sonics.

Bennett promised Schultz and the city that he was not there to steal the team – despite internal emails which revealed he was telling his investors exactly the opposite. But even Schultz said he knew selling the team to a guy from Oklahoma City would spur the government into coughing up money for a new stadium.

So Bennett pledged to negotiate in good faith with the city and state to get his shiny new stadium, knowing full well that what he was asking for demanding was ridiculous. Everything went as expected – excepting the offers from other local cities that were also dismissed – and even the NBA Commissioner – and the guy that inducted Clay Bennett into the Oklahoma Hall of Fame – David Stern approved the outright theft of the team.

The owners, of course, were looking out for their own good, knowing that when they wanted shiny new showplaces for their product, their host cities would have no choice but pony up. After all, if the No. 13 market in the country could lose a team to Oklafuckinghoma ( No. 45), anyone could be next.

morning cartoons

by twit

more dramatic proof of the impending fall of civilization:

yeah, it says you’re a fucking sellout

by lestro

So the emo/punk/rock band Alkaline Trio has officially sold out to the point where I don’t think I will ever be able to hear one of their old songs without spitting.

Because not enough people think “dark punk” when they think of overpriced athletic shoes, the Trio’s teamed with Nike for to design a Trio-branded athletic shoe.

Makes me want to fucking vomit.

It’s one thing to license a song to a commercial to try and find a new audience. I may not like it, but I understand why bands do it. And in today’s day and age, where art, design and commercialism all swim in the same lane at the pool, it’s just another delivery system.

But teaming with motherfucking Nike? You have to be kidding me.

“Seeing the swoosh and our logo on one product is unbelievable,” singer/guitarist Matt Skiba said in a statement. “The shoe looks amazing and provides some insight into who we are.“

Denver left behind

by twit

Is there really so little news out there that an omg-space-alien-in-the-window story gets this much coverage?

A video you can watch by clicking on the pic is the local news channel doing a fairly oblivious caricature of itself, at least from the twit’s perspective.

Some more oblivious than others, perhaps…

Don’t piss off the Soviets. We’re talking to you, Mr. Spielberg

by loadz

According to Reuters, Communists in the former Soviet Union are a little pissed off about the portrayal of KGB agent Irina Spalko in the new Indiana Jones movie.

Wow, the Soviet Communist party is still around?

Apparently they’re upset about revisionist history casting the former-Soviet Union in a bad light.

“Our movie-goers are teenagers who are completely unaware of what happened in 1957,” St Peterburg Communist Party chief Sergei Malinkovich told Reuters. “They will go to the cinema and will be sure that in 1957 we made trouble for the United States and almost started a nuclear war.”

Yeah, because that didn’t happen until 1962.

The best part is that they unpacked the old communist-y lingo to deride the acting of both Harrison Ford and Cate Blanchett (who is actually Australian):

“Harrison Ford and Cate Blanchett (are) second-rate actors, serving as the running dogs of the CIA. We need to deprive these people of the right of entering the country,” said another party member, Andrei Gindos.

Tom Cruise should just pony up $50 to the Kiwi

by loadz

Sure, we may not have a cruise ship (yet) but $50 bucks for salvation sure seems like a bargain compared to the green you have to shell out to complete the highest level of Scientology – Operating Thetan VIII.

Apparently the rigors of the training are so grueling that the church purchased a cruise ship, The Fairwinds, to ply the seven seas while John Travolta, Cruise and the other Hubbtards achieve enlightenment (during breaks from the buffet I presume. I mean have you seen Travolta lately? It’s a good thing he flies multi-engine plane nowadays because there is no way you’re wedging his large ass into a Lear Jet)

Apparently the course will run you about $10,000. (That’s about $9,950 more than the Kiwi for the math impaired) Hard to justify, until you factor in that Captain L. Ron has also thrown in transportation to the next plane of existence on the Mesothelioma Express, courtesy of the scads of fryable blue asbestos in the ship.

Not to worry though. Hubbard and Scientology have yet to acknowledge any link between cancer and death:

clearly, the end is near

by twit

and I don’t necessarily mean the End Times, but some kind of doom seems to be afoot, given the volume of recent reports of children left far, far behind…

From western Canada, so funny it hurts:

“There’s aliens, real-life aliens on a wall,” one unidentified girl said. “No one believes us.”

Sometimes having Pooh on your ass isn’t a result of bad Mexican food

by loadz

I’m not necessarily against marketing underwear emblazoned with Disney characters to youth so much as I’m opposed to the placement of the Pooh.

I mean really.

Disney also had this to say about the Miley Cyrus naked back photo:

“Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines,” a network statement said.

As opposed to deliberately manipulating young teens to sell Winnie the Pooh panties, of course.

Photo courtesy of the classy people at TMZ.com.

how exactly does one signal “I’m being held at gunpoint”?

by twit

I’m reading about the latest contender for “Child Left Behind of the Year”

From the Associated Press: CLEVELAND — A carjacking suspect stopped during the crime to ask a television news crew for directions, police said.

… WOIO-TV newswoman Shannon O’Brien and photographer Eric Walls were doing a sidewalk report Monday on bank problems when the passenger in a car asked for directions to a bank. The driver signaled that he was being held at gunpoint, O’Brien told police.

The news crew called police and followed the car until officers caught up. Police Lt. Thomas Stacho said the suspect was carrying a loaded handgun.

and I’m curious about how someone silently signals that they are being held at gunpoint, because it seems like a useful thing to know…

by lestro

I can think of a few ways…

coming soon to a YouTube near you

by twit

because crazy like this won’t be denied an audience.

“I hope it inspires some sort of discourse,” Shvarts said. “Sure, some people will be upset with the message and will not agree with it, but it’s not the intention of the piece to scandalize anyone.”

In the twit’s humble opinion, the only discourse to be had at this point is whether this chick is a danger to herself or others.

From Yale Daily News on Apr 21, 2008:

The University will not allow Aliza Shvarts ’08 to display her controversial senior art project at its scheduled opening Tuesday unless she confesses in writing that the exhibition is a work of fiction, Yale officials said Sunday.

But as the chick has previously insisted:

“… she repeatedly use a needleless syringe to insert semen into herself.

At the end of her menstrual cycle, she took abortifacient herbs to induce bleeding, she said. She said she does not know whether or not she was ever pregnant.

“No one can say with 100-percent certainty that anything in the piece did or did not happen,” Shvarts said, “because the nature of the piece is that it did not consist of certainties.”

and what horrorshow awaits us in the near future?

raw milk must make people stupid

by twit

Thank you, Associated Press, this about made my head explode:

“Raw milk is like a magic food for children,” said Sally Fallon, president of the Weston A. Price Foundation, a nonprofit that advocates consumption of whole, natural foods.

because I don’t care if it has “health benefits” if it also is a serious health risk. Especially to kids.

More than 1,000 people, including two who died, got sick from raw milk or cheese made from raw milk from 1998 to 2005, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

even the FDA has got this one spelled out pretty clearly, although it is basic fucking germ theory, so it isn’t exactly asking a whole hell of a lot.

who needs to search for an appropriate metaphor when our tax dollars have written that giving a kid raw milk is like giving a kid a loaded gun with a bullet loaded at random:

No Justice, No Peace…

by the squid

I watched the morning news today. There was a segment about the group of girls viscously beating up another girl to make a YouTube video.

Amongst the interviewers, someone posed the question: Why would you record yourself committing a crime and then post it on the internet for all to see?

A rational thought, if The Squid says so himself.

However, I have to think that in this land of instant celebrity, lack of personal responsibility, lack of respect for laws, as well as unbalanced penalties within the justice system, teens and young adults simply have no thought, or clue, of penalty or prosecution.

Case in point, two blondes walk into a bank….and rob it of $11,000 and go on a shopping spree. Once caught and convicted, one is sentenced to ten years probation, the other two years in jail and eight years probation.

Last I checked, robbing a bank was a federal offense worthy of some serious jail time.

Children left far, far behind

by twit

Thou shalt not drink bleach, perhaps?

A recent survey that found some Florida teens believe drinking a cap of bleach will prevent HIV and a shot of Mountain Dew will stop pregnancy has prompted lawmakers to push for an overhaul of sex education in the state.

I agree with Slog on this one… “A friendly cartoon penis” that “tells you how to use a condom properly” is certainly called for:

More information is available from Planned Parenthood, including links to affordable health services and contraception options in every state.

Third graders are smarter than me

by twit

It never would have occurred to me to cover the windows if I was planning a murder. I’m fairly impressed by the foresight demonstrated by this alleged conspiracy of third graders to tie up and messily slaughter their teacher.

WAYCROSS, Ga. (AP) – A group of third-graders plotted to attack their teacher, bringing a broken steak knife, handcuffs, duct tape and other items for the job and assigning children tasks including covering the windows and cleaning up afterward, police said Tuesday.

… The children, ages 8 and 9, were apparently mad at the teacher because she had scolded one of them for standing on a chair, Tanner said. A prosecutor said they are too young to be charged with a crime under Georgia law.

… Police seized a broken steak knife, handcuffs, duct tape, electrical and transparent tape, ribbons and a crystal paperweight from the students, who apparently intended to use them against the teacher, Tanner said.

Nine children have been given discipline up to and including long-term suspension, said Theresa Martin, spokeswoman for the Ware County school system.

Impressed, in a completely terrified what-is-this-world-coming-to kind of way. Cleaning up afterwards? What are kids watching these days?

postcards from the internets

by twit

when he’s right he’s right: “I have some news for John McCain,” Obama said, according to The Politico. “There was no Al Qaeda in Iraq until George Bush and John McCain” started their war… John McCain may like to say he wants to follow Osama bin Laden to the gates of Hell, but so far all he’s done is follow George Bush into a misguided war…”

when she’s right she’s right twice: “It’s a hard sell for Hillary to say that she is the only one capable of leading this country in a war when she helped in leading the country into that war.” aaaand: “It is only because of the utter open-mindedness of the press that Hillary can lose 11 contests in a row and still be treated as a contender.”

through the looking glass: “First came Harold Ickes, who gave a presentation about Hillary Rodham Clinton’s prospects that severed all ties with reality.”

and back again: “A new CBS News/New York Times poll finds Barack Obama with a 16-point lead over rival Hillary Clinton among Democratic primary voters nationwide…

When all registered voters were asked who they favored in a head-to-head general election match up between Obama and McCain, Obama led by 12 percentage points, 50 to 38 percent. In a Clinton-McCain match up, registered voters were evenly split, with 46 percent backing each candidate.”

when the kitteh’z right…

more postcards after the jump…

children left behind

by twit

“Mama you done stabbed me.”

via Slog December 2007:

A Spartanburg mother is accused of stabbing her son several times Christmas morning, but her son is the person facing charges. City police say it appears the mother, 45-year-old Tammy Jones, stabbed her son because he urinated on her while she slept in her bed. 21-year-old Michael Anthony Carson, nicknamed Pooh Bear, is charged with aggravated assault and battery. Police arrested him at his mother’s home on Wednesday.

City police say Jones stabbed her son six times with a butcher knife. He suffered wounds to his shoulder, calf, and chest. Witnesses in the house heard Jones say “why did you pee on me Pooh Bear?” A few moments later, the witness heard the son say “Mama you done stabbed me.”

filed under “children left far, far behind in a galaxy far, far away” 12.29.07

unseating the previous champion:

“The URL is to a PDF of the front page of the 12/14/2007 Lewiston Tribune (Idaho). Above the fold appeared a photograph of Michael Millhouse, painting a sign on the window of a business. But below the fold, he appeared again, in a still taken from a convenience store where a wallet containing $600 was lifted. Due to his size, and the fact that he was wearing the same clothes, he was easily identified and caught.”

filed under “child left farthest behind” 12.21.07

and maintaining epic prominence despite a serious recent challenge:

Jeremy Clarkson, a presenter for Top Gear on British TV, wrote a newspaper editorial that accused privacy activists of being hysterical over giant data-leaks (such as the British government repeatedly losing CDs bearing the financial details for 25 million households). To prove that identity theft wasn’t a big deal, he included his bank account details in the article.

Whereupon someone promptly began making fraudulent withdrawals from his account.

filed under “ahahahahahaha, sigh” 1.08.08