It is your duty to know your fart law

by loadz

This past week Jose Cruz, a 34-year-old West Virginia man was charged with battery against a Charleston Police officer for allegedly farting and fanning it towards the officer.

Although the battery charges against Cruz were dropped, the notion that flatulence is assault was an eye opener. Apparently I’ve been abusing my wife, kids, family and friends for years. I’m sorry. I will seek help. Or at least Beano.

In light of my newfound resolve to not hurt my fellow man by cutting cheese, I’ve decided to not only educate myself, but also provide a resource for my fellow farters. It is your duty as a flatulent person to know your fart laws.

Missouri’s public statutes consider the passing of gas a peace distrubance, prosecutible as a class B misdeameanor.

574.010. 1. A person commits the crime of peace disturbance if:
(1) He unreasonably and knowingly disturbs or alarms another person or persons by:
(a) Loud noise; or
(e) Creating a noxious and offensive odor;

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Rage Against the Machine at the RNC

by loadz

Fuck you. I won’t do what you tell me.

Welcome back boys, about fucking time.

Slash is a whore

by loadz

Okay, we all know that we’ll never be as cool as Slash, formerly of Guns and Roses and current lead guitarist of the lead singer-less Velvet Revolver. But I really think his cred goes down a notch or two with this appearance:

“Slaash-ann, you don’t have to put out the red light. Play GnR songs for money, you don’t care if it’s wrong or if it’s right.”

Jeez, what’s next – playing on stage with a disco band?

C’mon Slash, stay home for an evening, you don’t have to go out and whore every night.

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Classics of Western Literature in the 21st Century

by Loadz

Who knew that a random spam e-mail could be so beautiful…

Although it’s not much for rhyming, the imagery it invokes is a weird and wonderful thing. I call it “Cassette of Inadequacy” and have carefully transcribed it here:

It debris? or was.

Is occasional is exponential.

Or readily The brevet.

Which in rive. Or do confluence.

But in bottleneck philosopher highly.

happen a lullaby.

Is distal my sensible. But exhibitor?

Are on neck whites.

Have flannel Be radar.

I buffalo.

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First they came for the rappers…

by loadz

At first, it was hip hop, but it all finally makes sense, now that we know it is heavy metal hair, Jewish-American conspiracies and 2-Pac that cause homosexuality in Iranian youth.

via the Middle East Media Research Institute TV Monitor Project

I’m glad someone finally connected all this together.

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Praise Zul

by loadz

I was wondering the other day how cell phones worked. Didn’t realize that they all had demons inside of them that could be released when put in a microwave.

If I didn’t live on microwaved burritos I’d free the cell phone demon in my phone.

Stop me if you’ve heard this – Condi, KISS, Bono and ZZ Top walk into a bar

by loadz

United States Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice recently took time off from her busy schedule in Stockholm, Sweden to meet and chat with member of KISS, according to the AFP.

Simmons and the other band members — Paul Stanley, Eric Singer and Tommy Thayer — autographed for her a glossy concert photograph of them on stage and gave band T-shirts to Rice’s aides.

Rice said she had never seen KISS perform but she had been to four rock concerts in her life.

Rice took a second to pose for pics with the unmasked members of KISS, including this one where Gene Simmons is sizing Condi up for addition to his extensive collection of sexual conquests.

It’s not the first time Condi has been photographed hobnobbing with rock royalty. Read more of this post

It’s time to come out of the closet. You know who you are.

by loadz

Apparently, a Japanese man recently found a woman living in his closet, according to Reuters.

After food kept disappearing from his kitchen, he found the woman out by catching her on a hidden camera.

Officers rushed to the house and found a 58-year-old unemployed woman hiding in an unused closet, where she had secreted a mattress and plastic drink bottles, the Asahi said. Police suspect she may have been there for several months, the paper said.

It’s eerily similar to an experience I had as a college student at Pacific Tech when my roommate Mitch found out someone was living in our closet.

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Don’t piss off the Soviets. We’re talking to you, Mr. Spielberg

by loadz

According to Reuters, Communists in the former Soviet Union are a little pissed off about the portrayal of KGB agent Irina Spalko in the new Indiana Jones movie.

Wow, the Soviet Communist party is still around?

Apparently they’re upset about revisionist history casting the former-Soviet Union in a bad light.

“Our movie-goers are teenagers who are completely unaware of what happened in 1957,” St Peterburg Communist Party chief Sergei Malinkovich told Reuters. “They will go to the cinema and will be sure that in 1957 we made trouble for the United States and almost started a nuclear war.”

Yeah, because that didn’t happen until 1962.

The best part is that they unpacked the old communist-y lingo to deride the acting of both Harrison Ford and Cate Blanchett (who is actually Australian):

Harrison Ford and Cate Blanchett (are) second-rate actors, serving as the running dogs of the CIA. We need to deprive these people of the right of entering the country,” said another party member, Andrei Gindos.

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Oh thank heaven

by loadz

First time I saw this, it said you killed kitties when you masturbated.

http://borealdreams.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/pop-life.jpg?w=502&h=376

Finally I can beat off guilt free.

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If you discovered a whole mess of Japanese pot in your suitcase…we want it back…unsmoked.

by loadz

What’s worse than breaking the law to slip 142 grams of pot into some poor sucker’s suitcase?

Not being able to find it.

A customs officer hid a package of the banned substance in a side pocket of a randomly chosen suitcase in order to test airport security.

Sniffer dogs failed to detect the cannabis and the officer could not remember which suitcase had the stash.

Whoops. Hey listen, we’re really, really sorry about the 142 grams of pot we slipped into your suitcase next to your unmentionables, but if we could have that back we’d surely appreciate it.

One hundred forty-two grams? That’s five ounces. And their dog couldn’t find that?

Apparently now is the time to start smuggling your dope into Tokyo.

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Tom Cruise should just pony up $50 to the Kiwi

by loadz

Sure, we may not have a cruise ship (yet) but $50 bucks for salvation sure seems like a bargain compared to the green you have to shell out to complete the highest level of Scientology – Operating Thetan VIII.

Apparently the rigors of the training are so grueling that the church purchased a cruise ship, The Fairwinds, to ply the seven seas while John Travolta, Cruise and the other Hubbtards achieve enlightenment (during breaks from the buffet I presume. I mean have you seen Travolta lately? It’s a good thing he flies multi-engine plane nowadays because there is no way you’re wedging his large ass into a Lear Jet)

Freewinds

Apparently the course will run you about $10,000. (That’s about $9,950 more than the Kiwi for the math impaired) Hard to justify, until you factor in that Captain L. Ron has also thrown in transportation to the next plane of existence on the Mesothelioma Express, courtesy of the scads of fryable blue asbestos in the ship.

Not to worry though. Hubbard and Scientology have yet to acknowledge any link between cancer and death:

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Sometimes having Pooh on your ass isn’t a result of bad Mexican food

by loadz

I’m not necessarily against marketing underwear emblazoned with Disney characters to youth so much as I’m opposed to the placement of the Pooh.

I mean really.

Disney also had this to say about the Miley Cyrus naked back photo:

“Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines,” a network statement said.

As opposed to deliberately manipulating young teens to sell Winnie the Pooh panties, of course.

Photo courtesy of the classy people at TMZ.com.

Look, the Red Army is converting

by loadz

Okay, I’m confused. Is this a group of Tibetan monks turning in their robes and joining the Red Army? Or Red Army soldiers joining the ranks of Buddhism?

A more cynical person might perhaps suspect that the Chinese are justifying their use of force by planting imposter monk agent provocateurs in Tibetan protest crowds. But really, what government would do that?

I mean, it’s dishonest. And if we can’t trust the Chinese or Canadians, who can we trust.

1,700,352…1,700,353…1,700,354 and …S**T!! One…two…three…

by loadz

From the Associated Press:

WASHINGTON – Technology problems will force the government to count all of the nation’s 300 million residents the old-fashioned way in the 2010 census — with paper and pencil.

Photobucket

Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez was scheduled to tell a House subcommittee Thursday that the government will scrap plans to use handheld computers to collect information from the millions of Americans who don’t return census forms mailed out by the government.

The change will add as much as $3 billion to the cost of the constitutionally mandated count, pushing the overall cost to more than $14 billion.

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It all makes sense now

by loadz

You know, I just knew there had to be an explanation to the whole “Bosnia Mis-Understanding.” Hilary obviously had other things on her mind.

hill-bos1.jpg

This courtesy of Superdeluxe.com.

German Humor

by loadz

Germans may not be able to write a joke worth a damn, but they do manage a mighty fine float.

And they were even nice enough to make the effigy’s butt smaller than Hillary’s.

pterodactyl causes accident

by loadz

Man blames car wreck on prehistoric winged reptile

fckinpterodactyls

[A different picture was originally posted then changed to a "prettier" one by the Twit, but then The Kiwi instructed that no such edits be made, and now the Twit can't find the original picture and thinks this one, found by Lestro, is funnier]

The original pic:

flinstone.ptero

HipHop bad

by loadz

Apparently Iran has made hip hop illegal.

In a press statement released by the Iranian Government, President Mahmoud Ahmaad…Amhadi…Ahmadine…um, the guy in the Member’s Only jacket, said “Ain’t no homosexuals or hip hop up in Iran’s hizzy. Word.”

Iranian President Mahmoud Oddjacket, left, shows some love for Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah. In the pecking order of Middle Eastern homosexual politics Nasrallah is referred to as a “bottom,” while President Windbreaker is a “sugar daddy.”

We may not be able to export freedom, but damn it, after watching a few Young Jeezy vids, they will have consumerism down pat. Watch for a surge in Cristal and bling sales in Tehran.

reality imitates art chapter 1

by loadz

I’ve had enough of these motherf**king snakes on this motherf**king  plane?

samjackson

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