Hail Kiwi

Are you tired of waiting around for the return of your messiah?
Too many rules and commandments got you down?
Frustrated trying to match your magic underwear with your Reebok cross trainers?
Now you don’t have to, thanks to the Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi!

For just the low, low charge of $50, the Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi will insure your place in the afterlife of your choice!

See, death is all paperwork. It’s a lot of filing, background checks and forms, all filled out in triplicate to make sure your soul gets the treatment it expects and deserves.

And we’ve got them all!
Catholic heaven? Yep!
Lutheran heaven? You betcha!
Mormon? Episcopalian? Snake handler? Yes! Yes! And yes!
Jews? Absolutely.
Satanist? New condos available with lake-of-fire views!
Spaceship behind a comet? Window seat or aisle?

These plus thousands of others! All yours for the low, low money-back price of $50. That’s right I said MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE!

If you are not completely satisfied with what we do with your soul after you are dead, we will refund your money NO QUESTIONS ASKED!

Plus - once you have your receipt, what you do with your earthly vessel is your business!

That’s right, all this, plus Insightful and humorous ahead-of-the-curve commentary on news, politics and life is waiting for you at the Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi!

This week’s special: Reincarnation, two for the price of one!

Please laugh and cry with us as we work to develop both the site and the philosophy behind it, as well as ordaining the proper clergy to best preside over this creation.

Much more will follow in the near future, including the reasoning behind the Red Dawn Generation and enough commentary to choke an elephant or a donkey.

The Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi.
We know people who know people so you don’t have to.